


Up In My Head I'm Your Girlfriend

by dirtbag



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/F, Rule 63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 12:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2507660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtbag/pseuds/dirtbag
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you’re as scary-looking and emotionally fragile as Asahi, a crush can only end in heartbreak.  Especially a crush on another girl, and <i>especially</i> a crush on Nishinoya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Up In My Head I'm Your Girlfriend

**Author's Note:**

> basically i read [this awesome fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1875771) months ago and never stopped thinking about asanoya lesbians because WHAT A GOOD THOUGHT

By necessity of her intimidating appearance, Asahi spends most of her high school life maintaining a polite distance from pretty much everyone. This rule applies less strictly to her teammates, but it’s not until Nishinoya comes along that she learns what it’s like to be leaned on and prodded at and occasionally bitten, all just for the sake of touch.

Nishinoya’s touchiness can be nice, like when they’re sitting down after practice and her whole body gradually tips to the side until she’s slumped up against Asahi’s shoulder. Sometimes it’s painful, because she has sharp elbows and no problem delivering a swift jab to the kidneys when necessary. Either way, they touch a lot, and the contact always leaves Asahi feeling warm and floaty and slightly alarmed.

She knows why, but she tries not to examine her feelings too closely. When you’re as scary-looking and emotionally fragile as Asahi, a crush can only end in heartbreak. Especially a crush on another girl, and _especially_ a crush on Nishinoya.

All in all, Asahi is happy staying friends, and letting Nishinoya play with her hair while they watch dramas on her couch, and keeping any and all nonplatonic feelings confined to her most audacious daydreams.

Most of the time she doesn’t even think about it, which is why she’s so surprised when one day in the middle of their drama-watching routine Nishinoya turns to look at her during a commercial break and asks, “Hey, you like boys, right? Like, romantically?”

Asahi’s heart is suddenly beating way too fast. Their usual topics of conversation range from spikes and receives to hair products to whether Tanaka cheats at arm wrestling or she’s actually just that good, but romance hardly ever comes up.

“Um,” she says cautiously. “Yes?”

She feels weird saying it, like some kind of imposter, but it’s not technically a lie.

Nishinoya wrinkles her nose, shifting around on the couch. She’d been undoing a rather misshapen braid in Asahi’s hair before she asked the question, and now she’s combing through it absently with her fingers. Thirty seconds ago that wouldn’t have been a big deal, but now it seems like the biggest deal.

“I think I might not,” she says, like she’s confiding that she’s more into soda-flavored popsicles than pear. “I mean, aren’t girls way cooler?”

Asahi’s face feels so warm and her heart is trying to beat its way out of her chest and she has no idea what to say that won’t be obviously, pathetically transparent, so she doesn’t say anything.

As the silence between them stretches out past comfortable levels, Asahi realizes that Nishinoya might take her lack of a response as an expression of distaste rather than the small gay heart attack that it actually is. The thought fills her with even more panic, but it also gives her the strength to finally open her mouth.

“Well, yeah.” That much, at least, is obvious.

“But you wouldn’t date one?” Nishinoya asks, pulling her feet up onto the couch and finally taking her hands out of Asahi’s hair.

 _I would_ , Asahi thinks, and her chest aches with how bad she wants to tell Nishinoya everything. It would be rude to dump a bunch of unsolicited romantic feelings all over her while she’s trying to come out, though. Plus there’s the fact that Asahi is way too cowardly to say it out loud, even now.

“Never thought about it,” she says instead, looking down at where her hands are all twisted up in her lap. That’s a lie for sure.

“I have,” Nishinoya says matter-of-factly, and then finally seems to notice the toll this conversation is taking on Asahi’s ability to act like a normal human being.

“You’re so red!” she says, giving Asahi a way gentler elbow jab than the ones she usually doles out. “It’s okay, we can talk about something else.”

Asahi nods gratefully, and Noya launches into a story about some strange old man she saw during her morning run until Asahi’s face returns to a manageable temperature.

The rest of the afternoon goes like any other. Asahi tries to broach the topic of studying at one point, but Nishinoya just claps her hands over her ears and screws her eyes shut tight like she’s trying to physically prevent any knowledge from entering her brain. Asahi gives up on being a good influence after that, and they eat snacks in the kitchen and text stupid pictures to Tanaka until Nishinoya has to go home.

Asahi waits to freak out until Nishinoya is safely out the door, grabbing the nearest pillow and shoving her face into it with a quiet wail. She emerges after about three minutes and a lot of deep breathing, wondering how on earth she’s going to face Nishinoya at practice tomorrow once she’s had a whole night to dwell on their conversation.

— — —

Next morning’s practice actually turns out pretty uneventful, apart from Kageyama chasing Hinata all the way around the gym twice over a pork bun-related dispute before Daichi manages to corral them. Nothing changes on the court, and Nishinoya acts so much like her usual self that at first when Asahi starts to think there’s something wrong, she convinces herself it’s just paranoia. She’s less sure of that when class ends for the day and Nishinoya doesn’t show up to walk her to afternoon practice like she normally does.

It’s not like she _needs_ Nishinoya to walk her to practice; she isn’t planning on ever letting this team down again if she can help it. Still, she’s gotten used to heading for the gym with Nishinoya there beside her.

Nishinoya is already there by the time Asahi shows up, one foot braced against Tanaka’s knee as she shows off a particularly frightening bruise on her shin. They both glance up when Asahi walks through the door.

Asahi smiles at them around the rubber band clenched between her teeth, hurrying to tie her hair up before practice starts. Tanaka grins and starts to wave her over, but Noya just gets this strange look on her face and glances away.

The weirdness only lasts a second, but Asahi’s heart sinks. She’d tried so hard yesterday to act the way that someone who didn’t have a huge crush would act, but she’d messed up, and now Nishinoya can’t even look at her the same.

Just then, Daichi appears like she’s been summoned and gives Asahi a good thump right between the shoulderblades that startles her into standing up straight.

“Why so glum?” she asks.

“Uh, nothing,” says Asahi. “Wait, I mean—”

Behind them, someone shrieks, and a moment later Hinata tears by at top speed with Kageyama on her heels for the second time that day.

“I’m already digesting it!” Asahi hears, followed by a triumphant laugh that’s cut short when Kageyama tackles Hinata to the floor.

“Not for long,” she says grimly, pinning Hinata’s wrists and ignoring her howls of protest.

Daichi smiles at Asahi, terrifyingly pleasant.

“Excuse me.” She starts making her way over to Hinata and Kageyama, both completely oblivious to their surroundings as they engage in battle. “We can talk later.”

Asahi gulps and nods, even though Daichi’s back is to her by now.

Practice begins after the two of them are pulled apart and lectured sufficiently. Asahi still thinks Nishinoya might be avoiding her, but no one else seems to notice it, and once they finish warming up it’s hard to concentrate on anything except the ball.

She takes her time getting changed after they finish up, hoping to avoid Daichi until she can think up a good excuse for acting strange. Of course, the minute she steps foot outside the club room, Daichi and Suga flank her on either side like trained secret agents. Asahi doesn’t know where Daichi found the time to tell Suga about this, but somehow it’s not surprising.

“So what’s up?” asks Daichi, once they’ve led Asahi out of everyone else’s hearing range. Her arms are folded, and Suga is biting her lip. Neither of them will say it, but it’s not that hard to figure out what they’re thinking.

“I’m not quitting again!” Asahi says, momentarily too offended to worry about her actual problem. “Stop looking at me like I’m grounded.”

Suga lets out a relieved sigh and nudges Daichi with her shoulder.

“Told you,” she says. Daichi unfolds her arms and nudges her back before asking the exact question Asahi had been hoping to avoid.

“What is it, then?”

It’s even harder to lie to them together than individually, and the only viable escape route is blocked by Suga and her expression of sweet concern. Asahi slumps against the wall, defeated.

“It’s just,” she starts, running a frazzled hand through her hair and trying to think of how to explain things in the most nonspecific terms possible. “I was talking to someone, and she said something and I said something and now I think she’s avoiding me.”

Daichi just nods skeptically, but Suga gets this pensive look on her face that Asahi is slightly afraid of.

“Is it someone we know?” asks Daichi, which really means _is it someone on the team_.

Before Asahi can deny it, Tanaka comes skidding around the corner with Nishinoya right behind her.

“Why are you all back here?” Tanaka asks, and then, without pausing, “Daichi, will you buy us food?”

She slings an arm around Nishinoya’s shoulders. Both of them aim identical angelic looks at Daichi, who groans.

“Go home already,” she says in her end-of-discussion voice. “We’re leaving.”

Suga huffs out a little sigh and nudges Daichi again. “But I was just thinking I’m kinda hungry.”

“She’s hungry!” Tanaka repeats. That usually settles the matter, as far as Daichi is concerned, and they all know it.

“C’mon, captain,” Suga chimes in, grinning shamelessly. “Please?”

Daichi wavers for a moment and then gives Suga a look of deepest betrayal, striding off toward the front of the building in an attempt to hide her reddening face.

“I don’t have all day,” she yells back at them. Tanaka whoops and hurries to catch up with her with Suga close behind.

Asahi thinks about following them, but Nishinoya had lagged behind, and now she’s just standing a few feet away with a scarily determined expression on her face. One of her hands is balled up in a fist, the other one holding tight to the strap of her bag.

“Is something wrong?” Asahi asks tentatively.

“Just now,” says Nishinoya. “Were you telling Daichi-san and Suga-san—the thing that I told you?”

Asahi shakes her head so hard she can feel her bun coming loose.

“No! Of course not! Why would I do that?”

Nishinoya’s shoulders sag out of their determined posture, and she exhales hard enough to blow her bangs up off her forehead.

“I’m glad!” she says, smiling in a way that looks so close to normal that Asahi’s heart skips a beat. “I just thought maybe you thought it was gross or something. You didn’t say much when I told you, so…”

“I should’ve,” says Asahi. “And, uh, I don’t think it’s gross. I’m sorry I acted like I thought it was gross, because I definitely don’t.”

Even just admitting that much makes her feel like she’s about to pass out. She wants to look up and gauge Nishinoya’s reaction, but she can’t seem to tear her eyes away from the patch of ground between their shoes.

“Asahi-san,” Nishinoya says firmly, her sneakers arriving in Asahi’s field of vision.

Asahi gulps around a lump in her throat that she’s pretty sure is made of solid terror. She’s positive that everything she still can’t say is right there where Nishinoya can see it, but she forces herself to look up anyway.

“Yeah?” she asks. Her voice comes out all wrong, practically a whisper.

Instead of answering, Nishinoya rocks up onto her tiptoes at the same time that she yanks Asahi down by her collar. Their lips barely touch, but it’s probably the most stunning moment of Asahi’s life so far.

“Can’t reach,” says Nishinoya, just like when she wants Asahi to grab her something off a high shelf at the convenience store. Asahi responds automatically.

“Um,” she says, stooping over a little, loose strands of hair falling in her face. “Is this—”

Nishinoya interjects by pressing their mouths together again, fast and sloppy and excitable. She practically vibrates with suppressed movement when Asahi places a hand on her shoulder. Asahi does her best to keep up, but soon Nishinoya is crowding her back against the wall through the force of sheer enthusiasm, stepping on her feet and biting her lip and letting out these weird happy noises that fill Asahi’s brain with fuzz. She’s thought about this, not incredibly often because it makes her feel too guilty, but sometimes, and it’s better than she ever could have hoped. They’re both breathing hard by the time they break apart.

Nishinoya lets go of Asahi and fixes her with a steady look, and Asahi is suddenly terrified. They’re going to have to talk about this, and discuss things, and there are so many ways she could mess it up. Honestly, she can’t believe Nishinoya actually wanted to kiss her in the first place.

Nishinoya looks like she’s waiting for Asahi to say something, but Asahi can already feel herself freezing up.

“That was,” she starts weakly, dragging the back of her hand across her mouth and trying to ignore how wobbly her knees feel. “Thanks.”

Nishinoya’s eyebrows draw together quizzically. “Thanks?” she repeats.

Asahi is definitely messing this up. How is it that she and Nishinoya had actually just kissed, in real life and not during a pirate-themed math class daydream, and she still can’t spit it out?

“I have to go,” she blurts out, and she doesn’t want to go at all but she can’t just stay now that she’s said that. Half of her expects Nishinoya to have something to say about that, to stop her from leaving or yell after her or something, but she just moves to the side and lets Asahi hurry away.

— — —

Asahi’s parents aren’t back from work when she gets home, so she’s free to head straight to her room and dive miserably into bed. She spends some time lying there, facedown, in an attempt to become one with the blankets. When that doesn’t work out, she fishes around for her cell phone and dials Suga’s number.

Suga picks up after a few rings, but Asahi finds that she can’t say a word, throat closing up around her own greeting.

“Hello?” Suga repeats.

To her own horror, Asahi lets out a sniffle.

"Asahi? Are you okay?"

Asahi stays quiet for another moment on the off chance that she’ll manage to collect herself, but she realizes soon that it's a lost cause. Suga is the only one who can hear how pathetic she's being right now, so she cradles the phone to her ear and sniffles again.

"I messed up," she says, hating how small and wavery her voice sounds. "Bad."

"Oh my God," says Suga. "What’s happening? Did you get arrested again?"

“Stop bringing that up!” Asahi says, wounded. “That wasn’t even my fault.”

“Sorry,” says Suga, not sounding very sorry. “What’s wrong?”

Asahi takes a deep breath.

“Someone did something and I did it back but then I freaked out about it, even though I really like--someone.”

There's a pause on the other end of the line, and then Suga lets out a long exhale.

“Answer the phone right next time,” she says. “You scared me. And you need to talk to Nishinoya.”

Asahi flips over onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. “How did you know?”

“I just know,” says Suga, in such an annoyed mom voice that Asahi almost laughs in spite of all the crushing guilt and misery. It makes sense that Suga figured it out, anyway. Suga knows basically everything. Asahi just hopes that Nishinoya doesn’t mind.

“I can’t talk to her,” she admits, voice starting to tremble again. This is the worst. “I’ve been trying.”

She knows she’s being dramatic, and a wimp, but every time Asahi imagines herself going up to Nishinoya and trying to explain the complicated things her heart does when they’re together, she wants to shrivel into dust and scatter across the continent.

"Won't that make being on the same volleyball team kind of hard?" Suga asks. Her voice sounds like it had its hands on its hips. “I think you should trust her more.”

Asahi rolls over again and shoves her face into her comforter with a muffled groan. She hadn’t even considered how their relationship on the court might suffer until now. The first time she walked away from Nishinoya, she’d regretted it all month, so why would now be any different?

“Yeah, maybe,” she admits once she’s emerged. Suga hums.

“Go talk to her,” she says voice a little softer. “Before Monday. Or I’ll tell Daichi you need extra one-on-one training.”

Asahi winces. That’s a scary thought, and Suga definitely isn’t bluffing.

“I’ll try,” she says. “Thanks. For listening and stuff.”

“Don’t thank me yet, she might really hate you,” says Suga, and laughs at Asahi’s horrified gasp. “You’ll be fine. I have to go, but I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

Asahi stays in bed after they say goodbye and hang up, watching shadows lengthen along the walls as the night gets deeper. It’s way too early to fall asleep, but she does anyway, thoughts of what she’ll say to Nishinoya swimming around in her head as she drops off.

— — —

When Asahi wakes up the next morning, it takes several hours of intermittent pacing and worrying before she can even think about going to see Nishinoya.

She briefly entertains a fantasy of showing up at her doorstep unannounced and passionately declaring herself for the whole neighborhood to hear, but in the end she decides a message sounds more realistic.

 _Can I come over_ , she types, and then deletes and retypes the words three more times, and then throws her phone onto the bed and leaves the room for several minutes once it’s sent. There’s no new mail when she comes back, but another half-hour later her phone finally chimes.

The incoming message just says _yeah_ , with none of Nishinoya’s usual creative misspellings or emoticons or exclamation points. It’s not very encouraging, but at least it’s not an outright refusal.

That’s what Asahi repeats to herself as she throws on some clothes and pulls her hair up, leaving a note for her parents and heading out.

When she gets to Nishinoya’s front door, she stands outside it for so long that she’s worried she’s just going to give up and go home. That would probably be creepy, though, and also she really doesn’t want to do extra training with Daichi, so she lifts her hand up and knocks.

The door swings open right away, and there’s Nishinoya in sweats and a too-big hoodie that makes her look even smaller than she actually is. Asahi really hopes she hasn’t been watching through the peephole.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hi,” Nishinoya says, stepping aside so Asahi can come in. She sounds just as subdued as she had through text, but it’s even more unsettling in person.

Nishinoya’s parents are in the kitchen, laughing about something while they chop up vegetables. Asahi likes them both a lot. Most adults treat her warily at first, but they’d warmed up to her right away, kind of like Nishinoya herself. She takes off her shoes and greets them politely, but Nishinoya tugs her away toward her bedroom before she can say anything more.

She sits down on the bed once they get inside, so Asahi sits next to her, making sure there’s a respectable amount of space between them. A million different ways to start this conversation flash through her mind and disappear just as quickly.

“You could’ve just told me you didn’t want to,” says Nishinoya after a few more seconds of silence. “You didn’t have to come all the way over here.”

She’s staring resolutely ahead when Asahi sneaks a glance at her, but her mouth is turned down at the corners and her face is getting all scrunched up like it does when she’s really upset.

For a heart-constricting second Asahi is completely sure that she won’t be able to force any words out and Nishinoya will keep looking like that around her forever, but then she reaches out across the space between them and grabs Nishinoya’s hand. Her palms are probably all clammy, but that’s a concern for another time.

“I did want to. I mean, I do. I like you,” she adds, wanting to be abundantly clear on that point. “A lot. For a while. Sorry.”

Nishinoya doesn’t say anything for such a long time that Asahi starts getting ready to apologize again and flee. Suddenly, a small and ferocious weight bowls her over backwards onto the mattress and settles on top of her.

“ _Asshole_ ,” says Nishinoya. She leans down far enough to sink her teeth hard into Asahi’s shoulder. The pain kind of makes her appreciate the other, gentler bites she’s received from Nishinoya over the years.

“Ow!” Asahi yelps, trying desperately to wriggle out from underneath her without knocking her off the bed.

Then Nishinoya lifts her head up. She looks like she’s trying to glare and smile and not cry all at the same time, and suddenly Asahi doesn’t mind about almost being cannibalized.

“I like you too, in case that wasn’t obvious,” say Nishinoya.

“I should’ve told you,” says Asahi, lifting her hands up and then lowering them back down again because she wants to touch Nishinoya but she’s not sure where or how. The fact that she’s lying down on a bed with Nishinoya’s knees on either side of her hips already seems like a lot.

Nishinoya solves that problem by leaning down again. Her lips are waxy with chapstick and she makes another one of those happy noises when Asahi kisses back.

Asahi’s head tilts like it knows what to do on instinct, even though the rest of her is kind of in the dark. After a few seconds, Nishinoya’s hands find their way into her hair, tugging at the rubber band until enough hair is loose enough for her to wind her fingers through. Things are going a lot slower than they had the first time, and it occurs to Asahi that maybe Nishinoya is doing that on purpose, for her.

The thought gives her the courage to rest a hand on Nishinoya’s knee, coloring violently at how forward it feels, even through the sweatpants. Her bottom lip catches in between both of Nishinoya’s and she sighs quietly.

Both of their mouths are open, and it seems like more spit is involved than there had been at the start, but Asahi can’t seem to focus on any of the reasons why that might be dangerous for longer than a second. Instead, all she can think about is how warm Noya is, and how happy she feels, and how she’s burning in every place they have their hands on each other. She’s not sure either of them would have stopped at all, if there hadn’t been a loud knock on the door.

“Lunch is on!” Nishinoya’s dad calls cheerfully from the other side.

He makes no move to enter the room after delivering his message, but Asahi jumps so violently at the sudden noise that she almost rolls off the bed anyway.

Nishinoya seems completely unperturbed, shaking with silent laughter at Asahi’s reaction until Asahi shoves at her shoulder reproachfully.

“We’ll talk more later,” she says once she’s calmed down, and for once the phrase doesn’t fill Asahi with dread. “Let’s go eat.”

As she gets up off the bed, Nishinoya slips her hand into Asahi’s so their fingers intertwine and tugs her toward the door.

— — —

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Asahi whispers to Nishinoya as they walk hand-in-hand towards the gym. It’s not that she thinks the team will take it badly, but this still seems like a big step.

“Of course!” says Nishinoya. “You worry too much.”

She enters the gym by kicking the door open and brandishing their linked hands above her head, so Asahi guesses they’re going for the direct approach.

Suga notices right away, sending Asahi a bright smile that looks a lot like an _I-told-you-so_ and leaning in to whisper something in Daichi’s ear.

A few seconds later, Tanaka lets out a cry of excitement and leaps to her feet.

“Noya-san!” she yells.

“Ryuu!” Nishinoya yells back, eyes sparkling.

Asahi’s spent enough time around the two of them to know what comes next, and she tries to let go of Nishinoya’s hand so that she can properly leap into Tanaka’s waiting arms. Instead, Nishinoya hauls her forward too, and they all end up tangled on the floor in an embarrassing combination of dogpile and group hug.

“So cool!” Hinata shouts from somewhere above them. By the sound of it, Kageyama physically restraining her is the only thing preventing another addition to the pile.

Nishinoya’s elbow is jammed in Asahi’s gut, and Tanaka’s buzzcut is rubbing against her cheek, and pretty soon either Ukai or Daichi will probably come over and tell them to stop causing a ruckus. Somehow, she can’t stop grinning.

**Author's Note:**

> i couldn't find a way to smoothly fit this into the actual fic but after that first kiss nishinoya definitely goes to tanaka's house to arm wrestle her sorrows away. can u tell that i love tanaka


End file.
